Anticipation

When I was eight years old we moved from Bedford Hills, New York to New Milford, Connecticut. We also moved farther away from our grandparents. Where once we were able to see them multiple times a week we would drive the hour plus to see them at least once a month. It seemed like it took forever to get there but the ride home always flew by. I’ll never forget my mom saying that it was the anticipation that made time feel like that. Without a doubt this is how I’m feeling today about Dave’s return home. I’m filled with anticipation.

I definitely realize how quickly time goes by because this year seems to have flown (with a few days/weeks dragging on). Dave will be coming home in just a blink of an eye and my feelings are all over the place. Of course it goes without saying that I’m overloaded with happiness but there are a few other things floating around my mind and heart.

I’m nervous. I have the first date jitters and butterflies in my stomach which I’m sure will only increase as his arrival approaches but for now I feel like I’m just filled with nervous energy.

For those of you that don’t know my husband has been in Afghanistan with a road side clearance company. Their main purpose was to find bombs and take care of them. I may have a few details off here because I believe that ignorance is bliss when it comes to my knowledge of the war zone. I do know that my husband had three (maybe two) loaded weapons strapped to him at all times and had to be on constant alert 24 hours a day. So here is where some of my nervous jitters come in. Nolan is clumsy, plain and simple. He trips a lot, he drops toys quite a few times a day and makes some weird noises with said toys. I know that Dave will jump for the first few weeks when hearing some of these different sounds. It is bound to happen. I’m nervous about my soldier coming home and transitioning to a father and husband to little miss Suzy homemaker. I have grown a lot in the past year as has Dave. We will have an eight month old son who has primarily seen me as his care taker. He doesn’t have any stranger danger so I’m not too worried about Grant taking right to Dave. After all he is Grant’s daddy. Not all of the men coming home are the fathers of the wive’s kids (just had to mention that because I think it is an absolute disgrace and a completely disrespectful thing to do to your deployed spouse). It’s not my place to call them out but behavior like that is unacceptable in my book and I could never fathom doing that. Enough said.

Anyway, Dave will have to transition to being the father to two children and I’m sure he will do this with flying colors. He accepts and deal with change like a champion. Plus we have MANY exciting events happening in the near future. We will be upgrading our car to a mini van, judge away but I’m excited about this. Yes, I did say that I would never own one but then I actually drove one and they are nice! They have enough room for our mammoth sized children and all of the kid crap that comes with having a brood. We will be going to rescue a puppy or dog and adding him/her to our family. I am incredibly excited about this since I miss our dog Schatzy every single day and our home is not the same without a pooch.

One of my very best friends, Kelcey will be visiting us and we have planned on going to a Renaissance fair, haunted houses, hay rides, and just having a great visit with her.

Dave and I are also going on a short but exciting vacation to St. Thomas in October. We never went on a honeymoon and I consider this as our post deployment honeymoon. We can reconnect without the stresses of everyday life. I’m REALLY looking forward to getting away for a few days and relaxing!!

I guess all in all I just have anticipation about his return and some worry. Will we have the same great relationship that we did before he left? Will I freak out because now someone else is in the house taking up room, doing things that I’m used to doing? Will I be negative and judgmental about the way he takes care of the kids because it’s not the way I do it? I know I will need to back off a bit and let him adjust as we will have to adjust too. I also know that the moment he steps off the plane Nolan will totally forget that I am here and not leave Daddy’s side. I’m a bit heartbroken even thinking that but I know it’s true and that’s ok. As long as I get some one on one time with all three of my guys I’ll be happy.

I know things will work out the way they are supposed to but I really needed to get these emotions out of my head and “onto paper”. I feel so much better now although I think I may need some chocolate. 🙂

Shadow Chaser

Yesterday was the vote for Amendment One and it really brought some hate out in people. I’m upset that the result is what it is but I’ll leave it at that. This post isn’t about a difference of opinion or hate, it’s about love; unconditional love. It’s about my first baby, Schatzy.

The year was 2000 and I was living in a very small town, Tannersville NY. I had one dog that was home a lot while I was at work so I thought in all my young infinite wisdom that she needed a friend, a puppy friend. It paid off later on in life for being the fool I was back then.

This guy known around town as Vanilla Ice (no description necessary) happened to have a liter of puppies in his car one summer afternoon. Yes, his car…I never thought much of this guy but I wanted one of those puppies!! I looked at three others and then magic happened, we made eye contact. Sounds like a cheesy romance novel with Fabio on the cover doesn’t it? Don’t worry it’s not, but I swear I KNEW she was the pup for me and I was the person for her! I’d love to say that I got to adopt her right then and there but actually a “friend” of mine decided that he wanted her more than I did. Turns out his girlfriend didn’t feel the same way. (haha) So after one month, massive amounts of chewed possessions and accidents on their floor, he showed up on my doorstep with MY new puppy!

He was from South America and had named her “Shanty”, which sounded wonderful with his accent unfortunately with my slight New York accent it just sounded rough. I had heard a German word meaning “my one, my only, my all” and it fit that little pooch so well, Schatzy it was!

This would be the LONGEST post ever if I was to fill in every detail of the next twelve years of our lives together so I’ll shorten it up as much as possible while also mentioning some of my favorite memories of my girl. Schatzy, my other dog (Bessie the Beagle) and I moved in with my boyfriend and his three guy roommates in Connecticut. Those dogs were SO lucky to be able to use the bathroom outside!!! After living in Connecticut for a few months we moved to Rhode Island and then back to New York. At this point said boyfriend and I parted ways and Bessie chose him and my girl and I decided that we needed some time at the beach so off to Florida we went!

My mother flew up to help us with the move and with the U-Haul packed up we drove down the east coast with Schatzy laying between us. We arrived at my new place and a neighbor offered to help us move my crap into my second story apartment. Two days later he showed up at my door with a cheap bottle of wine apparently expecting some sort of “payment” for his kindness. Now, if it wasn’t for Schatzy I may not be here writing this story. She felt his horrible intentions and instantly got in between us growling and showing her teeth. This is something I had never seen her do in the three years we had been together. So I took it as a sign to ask him to leave and since that didn’t work I told him that I would give her the “right command” if he didn’t leave. That made him high tail it out of there (after a few choice words to “scare” me). Needless to say if I wasn’t walking with her I was carrying pepper spray while residing near him.

After a few months of living there I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to rent a room in a beach house with a pool that was a block away from the ocean, yes please!! Schatzy hung out on the top step of the pool waiting for a bird to fly over only to chase their shadow around the backyard. It was absolutely adorable.

There was a hurricane that was heading straight towards us and instead of evacuating like ALL of the other residents on the island we stayed and threw a party. Obviously my smarts hadn’t kicked in yet. We ventured down to the beach with dog in tow and she had the time of her life! That pooch barked excitedly at every ten foot wave that crashed ashore. Luckily those waves and some high powered winds were the worst of that particular storm.

Schatzy was always a very compassionate dog who would try and comfort you if you were crying and I believe that she did this for not only myself but my roommate and dear friend, Kelcey during her beach house heartbreak. It was tough to say goodbye to friends like that and to sandy beaches but the mountains were calling our names so back up the east coast to New York we went.

We landed in the hamlet (smaller than small town) of East Jewett and became the happy new tenants on a piece of land owned by a wonderful family, the Warfields. Since we were a mile and a half from a great lake, Schatzy learned to play fetch in the water when she was six, old dog new trick?! That was the only time she would bring anything back to you. We lived our lives as two single ladies, finding ourselves as roommates more than owner and pet.

That went on for three years until the day came where I made the decision that I couldn’t live without a cat. Mr. Cutie Whiskerson came to join us and the three of us became a happy little family. Then a few months later Dave came into our hearts and we were all smitten. I seriously don’t know who fell the hardest for him! So as Schatzy always did she came to my side as I cried my eyes out a short week later as he returned overseas to finish his tour of duty. Four months later he returned to the states, moved in and brought his cat, Bubba with him. Schatzy and Bubba were heading for the retirement center as Cutie was heading to middle school, so Bubs and Schatz hit it off from the start.

The following year we all decided that we wanted to be closer to our families and I wanted to attend an art school in North Carolina. Turns out my commute to either of the schools I was interested in was out of the question. So we took up residence in a smaller sized home with a fenced in backyard and we were happy as can be for a year. The last six months of that year was filled with an engagement, a teeny tiny wedding, a pregnancy, and a mortgage. We bought our house mentally based on the backyard. We could see our kids running around with Schatzy and the kitties.

We signed the papers and seven days later I was admitted to the hospital for two weeks on bed rest before having our first son, Nolan. Three days later we arrived home and Schatzy was so excited to see me that she didn’t notice our new addition for hours! Two days later Bubba who was 16 passed away. I know Schatz missed her buddy because she kept looking around for him.

Two years passed quickly as they tend to do, another son has joined our family (pretty much without too much care from her) and she enjoyed our backyard as much as we imagined she would. She would run around waiting on butterflies and birds to pass overhead just to chase the shadows clear across the yard. Then when she tired she would lay down in the shadows of our big trees and rest as any older soul would.

I’m not going into details of her death or her final days, weeks, or months out of respect for her. I know that she left this world with dignity and I know in my heart that she was at peace in her final minutes. She licked my hand to comfort me one last time before we said our final goodbye and as I did on the day we met I stared into her eyes and knew that we were meant to be together.

I haven’t stopped missing her and I doubt I ever will, she was after all, my first baby. I will always love my one, my only, my all, my Schatzy girl.